echoing. totally defeated

I felt completed defeated. I don’t know if I’ve truly ugly-cried in the last 9 months. No real reason to. But yesterday I did. I sat in the car, and for 30minutes I bawled. As in the gasping ugly crying. I attempted my self-soothing relaxation techniques, but it didn’t stop. My hands just covered by forehead. I was so tired.

I was desperate to get a hold of my husband. My sister. My friend. I turned on my phone and somehow got a photo instead. I almost deleted it, but stopped myself realizing I may want it later to remember.

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The specifics aren’t important. But let’s just say it was a terrible 2-hours of parenting struggles. With self-struggles. I was just SO DONE. So tired. So tired. I wanted someone to let me sleep in quiet by myself after a hot shower and wake up to yummy food already made with a clean house, a stack of books, and no one around me. Instead I was living in all of the opposites. In a span of 3 minutes I went from mad to completely BROKEN.

I felt like I had been run over. And I didn’t know what to do. So I sat there and cried. I ignored the needs and for 30minutes I just let myself hurt.

I cried for the loss of my comfortable easy selfish life that I just desperately wanted.

Within 5 minutes of reaching out for a lifeline from my people, they responded and told me truth. To shut up the lies.

I finally breathed. I had two hours left before dinner. So I unbuckled, turned on music, and kept going. After a hug from Matt, he said go. And the first thing I did was I grabbed my journal. Without thinking, I just started writing…..

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I DESPERATELY want to have a specific parenting plan after yesterday. I want to read and find a solution and figure out how can I possibly avoid this in the future. How can I make sure this NEVER happens again?!?! Well. The ugly part about life is pain happens. And this was probably just a baby version of it. I don’t like it. Not one bit. I’ve had lots of variations of pain over my life, and this one wasn’t necessarily new. But it felt personal.

The worst thing was, I totally PREPPED myself for this!! I KNEW after so many months of “life is great” and coming just 24hours off of “IF:Gathering conference” that I would be excited and zealous. I was totally expecting a hard day to knock me down. But golly-gee-whiz. I didn’t know I’d be gasping for air.

Sigh.

I’m not exactly sure why I’m sharing this. But I think it’s good therapy for me. And maybe encouraging for one of you. And maybe it’s just real life, and it’s not always ideal moments.

I kept writing. And finally this. Without even realizing. I was writing this.

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The end of this story is that today I feel a little raw. But I feel like I was made stronger.

5 years ago, if this day happened, it would have taken me probably months to get to the “look-back-and-learn” moment from the pain. Yesterday, it was 4 hours. That voice, telling me I was able to RESIST the urge to wallow and manipulate and fester, that voice reaffirmed that I am valuable and broken and in a process of learning. I found such comfort. God has frequently spoken to me in whispers and echoing thoughts (hense the name of the blog). And this was true yesterday again.

I was being made new. I was being redeemed. I was loved. And I am equally loved by God yesterday and today. May I learn to show the same love to my kids, family, community, and our world.

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Alicia

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